In a Haze
Things were going so well...
We were on a high with our new diagnosis, a happy son, and hope in our hearts. I had new energy, enthusiasm, and felt like I could reach the world for Jesus with my knew knowledge and passion. And then it happened. The backslide....
I don't know if he ate the wrong food, started cutting a tooth, or (as my dear friend Heather suggested) is just suffering from "growing pains," but all of a sudden our son is a wreck again. He is still cranky, defiant, and VERY needy. Now granted, he is NOTHING like how bad he was before...but I was just getting used to his new joyful attitude and independence.
And how have I responded to this? With the patience and grace that Jesus supplies a desperate mother? With love and gentleness for a child who is likely hurting more than being defiant. Sadly, no. I immediately became exasperated with him; defensive of my time and my priorities and unwilling to spend hours holding my son like the old days. Oh, how wretched we are when left to ourselves.
In 2 Cor 12:9, Jesus tells me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
I am so ashamed of my weakness and my need for daily renewal by Christ. I was totally busted today by an older mother from my church...she caught me yelling at Joshua! I wanted to crawl in a hole...but it makes me understand what Paul was talking about when he said: "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." Getting caught only made me realize even more my need for Christ's power...I can't do it on my own. I do need daily renewal...surrendering myself and my desires to Christ and allowing him to work in me and through me...in order to make it through even one day with Joshua. Realizing my weakness brings me to my knees. Sharing it with you helps hold me accountable, and will hopefully help someone else out there realize the need for Christ's power in their life.
Will things be peaceful and normal in my house again? Who knows. My husband broke his finger at work last week (crushed the bone/ 5 sutures) and we found out that we are expecting baby #3 in February (hey, God's timing is perfect, not ours :-). Peaceful may not be the first word that comes to mind regarding my household, but I can and will be FULL of PEACE thanks to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, whose power (and peace) are made perfect in our weakness.
God Bless you all!